Finding My Balance

My beautiful little smiler

It’s hard to believe that just over a month ago I was Keeping Up With the Kardashians - Yip I really was. In between kissing and cuddling my baby, feeding him his bottles and staring dreamily at his sleeping face, I never missed an episode. I also watched numerous other bits and pieces on TV before strolling out to the car to fetch Cameron from school.

But now I look at the polish chipping off my toe nails and I promise my feet that I will give them five minutes tomorrow.

See, I like to be productive. And having worked for myself for nearly four years and charging an hourly rate for my time – I think in hours and what it costs when those hours aren’t used productively. So somewhere at the start of February I decided to take on some work. Nicholas slept long hours in the mornings so why not use them to work?

As Murphy would have it, Nicholas decided that long sleeps in the day are no longer necessary at about the same time that I took on two significant projects – the deadlines for which coincided with the week of Cameron’s forth birthday party.

Since then I have been trying to regain my balance. Juggling two children and working from home (without established childcare arrangements for one of them) has knocked me off kilter. Not that I am saying that being a mother of more than one child – or even one for argument’s sake – in itself isn’t enough to make you a little wobbly. But, just over a month ago, I really thought I had things waxed.
Yes, having two children can be overwhelming at times. Like when I get home from fetching Cameron from school and he insists on climbing out the car himself, carrying his own bags and opening the front door - dawdling as he does it - and Nicholas is crying in his snug 'n safe because he's hungry and I all I want to do is get inside and make his bottle but I am afraid of incurring the wrath of Cameron if I dare do any of his "jobs" for him or try to help him to make things go faster.

Although Nicholas is a happy and contented baby, preparing and eating dinner most days is a challenge. Nicholas’s nap times are so erratic and usually at the time when I need to cook, he is tired but wont sleep. So he sits and yells at me from his pram while I tend to the cooking (which I would rather not do I might add).

Sometimes he can become significantly incensed that he yells quite loudly, going red in the face and sometime even spitting. It is stomach-acid inducing – especially since I prefer him the way he is the rest of the day – calm and happy. It’s easy to stop this performance by simply picking him up. But that means preparing dinner with him dangling from one arm – which can be dangerous when you consider what’s required for preparing a meal – like sharp knives and hot stoves.

Fortunately, being the mother of a child who has reached his forth birthday, I have the privilege of hindsight. I know that Nicholas will eventually grow out of yelling at me from his pram at dinnertime.

Cameron’s forth birthday was a resounding success. I managed to source the big toy pirate galleon he so badly wanted (thanks to aunty Nic) and his Knights & Princesses party went off without a hitch – albeit without a “pull a sword from the stone” party game. I also got him the most beautiful cake with a knight and a shield – at the last minute (once again thanks to aunty Nic).

I had 29 children – and that’s only counting the ones who can walk and required party packs. See the classes in Cameron’s little school are small so you invite all the kids (11 kids). Then some of their siblings tag along and then there are our friends' kids. Before you know it wallah, you’re hosting 29 kids and their folks for a party!

With the party and two major deadlines behind me, I am a little more steady on my feet but still a little unbalanced. My mom has been taking Nicholas two mornings a week so that I can work. However, the bulk of my retainer works starts again this month and I know I am not going to have enough time to do it all. I just can’t part with him more than this. He goes to the day mom in May – the thought of which twists my heart and stomach – and I want to spend as much time with him as I can. So, I guess I am going to be up late working at night so that I don’t have to sacrifice any more time away from my precious baby boy.

When I was stressing about meeting those aforementioned deadlines, my dear friend Vanessa said that instead of worrying about money, taking on work and worrying about getting it done, I should enjoy the time off I had promised myself (and financially allowed for) in January and February. How I wish I had listened to her because now the work begins in earnest. I should have savoured the time off and continued Keeping Up With the Kardashians while I could without feeling guilty.

I hate leaving my baby even if it’s for two mornings a week. How will I feel when I have to leave him five days a week with someone he doesn’t know? It’s so hard.

Please don’t grow too fast

One of the girls from the forum had her baby today. Congrats Bel. It’s made me long to go back in time because four weeks ago today, it was me, having my baby. Those first few magical moments, hearing him cry for the first time, holding his little warm body against me for the first time and feeling the after-effects of the caesar – proof that he had been removed from my tummy and is now a living, breathing perfect little person.

It might sound strange but I savour the memories of my stay in hospital. Some people hate hospitals. I guess it all depends on why you are there. For me it was wonderful. It was just me and my new baby. I had nothing to worry about except me and him. A momentary pause before life as normal resumed.

Now, his birth, Christmas and his first few weeks are behind us. Just like that, it’s over. What a splendid time. I wish it could be December forever.

But life goes on. Now all I can do is savour every minute with my baby and hope that he doesn’t grow too fast. And I am. I am enjoying him so much. I think that it’s because I know he is my last and that I will never (unless Michael agrees to have another baby) pass this way again.

Cameron started his third year of school on Monday. He’s getting so big. Soon I will have to start planning his forth birthday party. He wants everyone to dress up as knights, dragons or princesses. A party game on the top of his list is “pull the sword from the stone” (inspired by his favourite movie “The Sword and the Stone”). The person who manages it, gets a prize he says. I have wracked my brain since he made this request but I have yet to come up with a way of embedding a toy sword in a “pretend” stone.

Margaret starts her chemo next week and understandably, she is very nervous and emotional about what lies ahead. She is also very tired and weepy. Michael asked the doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant, which she is now on. Apparently they take a week or so to work. When I phoned there yesterday to see how she and Peter are doing, she was asleep, and Michael reports that when he went there mid-morning today, she was still in bed. This is a woman – a very proud woman – whose outfits always matched, who always wore make-up and who would never have been be caught mid-morning in her pyjamas.

The other day she burst into tears when leaving our house. “What I want,” she said, “let me tell you what I want. I want everything to be the way it was. For all of you to be small again.” (looking at Michael). My heart really went out to her that day. Imagine being diagnosed with cancer and all the uncertainty that comes with it. Imagine not knowing if you’ll be cured or if your days on earth really are numbered. Imagine looking at your children, all grown up, and wondering where the time has gone – and how much time you have left to spend with them.

I know that the road that lies ahead for her is not going to be easy. I don’t think it’s going to be easy for anyone in the family. For now, it’s one step at a time.