Throw us a bone here please

When I look at Michael, how tired he looks, and when I get up in the night for a toilet trip and see that he is lying awake, I wonder how long it is going to take for him to crack.

It worries me so much. His dad cannot even get out of bed into his wheelchair anymore. Michael goes there every morning and every night to help him. In between, he runs around for them and is still single-handedly running the business. He takes on so much. I am sure I would do the same for my parents but I worry so much about him. This thing with his dad is all-consuming, and it is impacting on our whole family.

I have developed shingles along my neck and on my left shoulder. The doctor says it’s from stress. I didn’t think I was stressed but I guess I am. I suppose the body has a way of defying you. I am in terrible pain. It’s a deep nerve pain. Shoo… but all I can have is panado. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I am just relieved that it cannot affect my baby.

We went to Jana’s mom’s funeral yesterday. So sad for Jana to have lost her mom. They were so close, and Jana has just had another little baby. Everyone wants their mom with them at times like this. And she suffered so much. She died a slow and painful death. The cancer literally ate her up.

It made me wonder about Michael’s dad and what’s going on with his body. How long will his body be able to carry on? What is it that is causing it? Will he ever be functional again? What does the future hold and when will it be us holding his dad’s funeral? I know Michael was thinking the same thing when they carried Jana’s mom’s coffin into the church.

What’s happening to his dad is so sad and so demoralising. I know it’s hard for them. I know Michael’s mom is taking strain but she isn’t helping the situation at all. She is crumbling and I believe she is making herself sick. I wish she would be stronger. She doesn’t realise what added burden she is placing on my husband by being this way.

Today I feel so desperately tired. I can’t imagine how Michael feels. I just wonder when things are going to get easier for my husband. He has so much on his plate trying to care for his parents and run a business. He is so distracted and so consumed by this drama. I don’t think he even realises that our new baby boy will be here in seven weeks.

Ah… I got to hold Jana’s baby Elizabeth (named after her mom) yesterday. She is so lovely. You forget how small, fragile and un-coordinated they are. I can’t actually wait to hold my squirmy-wormy baby.

On the way home from fetching Cameron from my parents after the funeral, he was all smiles telling me about how brave he was having his measles injection –although it was sore, he says, he didn’t even cry. Looking at his bright face in the rear view mirror I just thought how when everything else in life seems to be getting on top of me, I look at my precious boy and I realise that nothing is so bad that you shouldn’t be able to smile.