A sucker punch

I have spent most of the afternoon in tears – all because I was told this morning that I am having another boy. I am not proud of myself. In fact I am disgusted and I feel guilty.

I know there are millions of women out there who would love to be pregnant like I am now but they can’t fall pregnant. I am sure if they had to see me weeping today they would think I was pitiful. I am sure they would take whatever God gave them with open arms.

I will though – take this baby with open arms. I know I will love him just as much as I love Cameron. I just need time for the news to sink in. I had my heart set on a baby girl. Everyone else is having girls and everyone thought I was having a girl too. Cameron is excited about getting a baby sister – Robyn is what he’d like to call her. Says he’ll be upset if God gives him a brother.

Well after the year I have had – especially the last few months (such crappy luck), how on earth could I expect to get what I want anyway? Come to think of it, I never really get what I want. I always fall just short of getting what I want or I have to settle for second best.

Like with Gizzy for instance. My whole life – well as long as I can remember anyway – I have wanted a yorkie. But they are expensive dogs and living with my parents, I couldn’t just bring home a puppy without them agreeing.

So… the day after we signed the lease on our first house, I searched for a breeder and before Gizzy was even born I had my name down for him. I will never forget the day we went to fetch him. He was so small and so perfect, sitting in his little cage waiting for me to take him home. And boy have I loved this dog…

Now we have been told that on top of the spirocerca, he has Granulomatous meningoencephalitis (GME). It’s not like meningitis that we get. Instead it is an inflammatory disease of the central nervous system. Small toy breeds are more prone to it.

It is treatable and manageable but not curable. My dog is going to be on medicine for the rest of his life – which from what I have read on the Net isn’t going to be that long. The Vet says anything from 3 months to 3 years – depending on where the lesions are in his brain and how many.

So what it boils down to is this… my precious yorkie, one of the very few things I have ever REALLY wanted and ACTUALLY got, is compromised. He is not going to be mine for much longer. Go figure. I get my dog but on condition that I don’t get him for as long as I should.

And… I fall pregnant but not with the little girl I want.

I am not sure why I feel this way. Cameron has been wonderful; so wonderful that I should actually ten more boys like him. I know that if my second son is half as awesome as Cameron I am blessed.

I just feel desperately sad today. I suppose this news was just the cherry on the top of what truly has been one of the most trying months of my life.