Throw us a bone here please

When I look at Michael, how tired he looks, and when I get up in the night for a toilet trip and see that he is lying awake, I wonder how long it is going to take for him to crack.

It worries me so much. His dad cannot even get out of bed into his wheelchair anymore. Michael goes there every morning and every night to help him. In between, he runs around for them and is still single-handedly running the business. He takes on so much. I am sure I would do the same for my parents but I worry so much about him. This thing with his dad is all-consuming, and it is impacting on our whole family.

I have developed shingles along my neck and on my left shoulder. The doctor says it’s from stress. I didn’t think I was stressed but I guess I am. I suppose the body has a way of defying you. I am in terrible pain. It’s a deep nerve pain. Shoo… but all I can have is panado. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I am just relieved that it cannot affect my baby.

We went to Jana’s mom’s funeral yesterday. So sad for Jana to have lost her mom. They were so close, and Jana has just had another little baby. Everyone wants their mom with them at times like this. And she suffered so much. She died a slow and painful death. The cancer literally ate her up.

It made me wonder about Michael’s dad and what’s going on with his body. How long will his body be able to carry on? What is it that is causing it? Will he ever be functional again? What does the future hold and when will it be us holding his dad’s funeral? I know Michael was thinking the same thing when they carried Jana’s mom’s coffin into the church.

What’s happening to his dad is so sad and so demoralising. I know it’s hard for them. I know Michael’s mom is taking strain but she isn’t helping the situation at all. She is crumbling and I believe she is making herself sick. I wish she would be stronger. She doesn’t realise what added burden she is placing on my husband by being this way.

Today I feel so desperately tired. I can’t imagine how Michael feels. I just wonder when things are going to get easier for my husband. He has so much on his plate trying to care for his parents and run a business. He is so distracted and so consumed by this drama. I don’t think he even realises that our new baby boy will be here in seven weeks.

Ah… I got to hold Jana’s baby Elizabeth (named after her mom) yesterday. She is so lovely. You forget how small, fragile and un-coordinated they are. I can’t actually wait to hold my squirmy-wormy baby.

On the way home from fetching Cameron from my parents after the funeral, he was all smiles telling me about how brave he was having his measles injection –although it was sore, he says, he didn’t even cry. Looking at his bright face in the rear view mirror I just thought how when everything else in life seems to be getting on top of me, I look at my precious boy and I realise that nothing is so bad that you shouldn’t be able to smile.

Ketchup

Well I am really no good at this blogging thing am I? It’s been ages since my last post. I have just been so busy. But, being busy is nice so I am not complaining.

I went for my 30 week check up yesterday. Everything is going fine with our bubs. He weighs around 1.6 kilos now. I have just eight weeks until he arrives as my gynae is going to induce me on the 18th of December.

Time is just flying by. I can’t believe how fast it has gone. At the same time, it couldn’t have gone all that quickly because so much has happened since I found out I am pregnant. Strange how time can go so fast and so slowly at the same time. I can’t say it has been a terribly easy time either.
Michael’s dad’s condition has deteriorated so immensely since the start of the year and seems to have progressed at an alarmingly rapid rate since he was first hospitalised in July. Since then, he has been back in hospital twice. The last stint, he was in for three weeks. He is now wheelchair bound and so weak that he can hardly manoeuvre himself in and out of his wheelchair to get into bed or onto the toilet. His upper body is also losing strength and his hands shake.
The doctors are still unsure of what is causing his paralysis and other symptoms. He has been for countless tests. They are treating him for two different things at the moment. The first diagnosis of transverse myelitis (a disease of the spine) has been discarded because he didn’t respond to the treatment and the disease did not follow the typical disease progression. He is due to go for an angiogram tomorrow.
His mom is also not in the best shape. She has literally shrunk to half her size from the stress of it all and she has developed arthritis and chillblanes in her hands which have rendered her unable to do much with them.
It is hard to watch Michael worry so much about his dad, and because neither of his parents can drive, he has to do all their running around – from grocery shopping, to trips to the hospital and pharmacy, and then everything to do with the business. He is also trying to fix up their house to sell – it’s too big for them to cope with in the condition they are in. It is so bizarre how everything has spiralled like it has in such a short space of time. Michael has aptly termed it “a mess”. I wonder when it will start to get better.
One of the highlights of the past month has most certainly been the arrival of my new yorkie baby in my life, Duke. We brought him home on the 24th of September so he’s been with us for almost a month. He is so beautiful and so perky. My heart feels like it could burst when I look at him. Tyson surprised us by accepting him. Yes, there were a few hair-raising moments where Duke was irritating Tyson and he got snapped at, but now things have settled down and Tyson, in spite of himself, has warmed up to Duke and plays so gently with him. They race around the garden and Duke barks with glee.

It reminds me so much of when Gizzy and Tyson were puppies. I can still hear Gizzy’s bark in my mind. Losing him was so devastating for me – nothing like losing a human life I am quite sure. Still, it was very hard for me. Duke makes me feel happy all over again. And, to think that I have a husband who understands how much I loved Gizzy and the great sense of loss I felt when he died that he drove me to Cullinan to find this little guy – just to make me happy. I am truly blessed.


Since I last posted, two of my friends have given birth to their daughters. Congrats to Jana on the arrival of baby Elizabeth and Candice on the arrival of baby Alexis. It seemed like we fell pregnant quite quickly one after the other. Now that their babies are here, I realise I am next in line.

I am looking forward to our little boy arriving. Cameron can’t wait either. He’s always asking me when his baby brother is going to hatch. Still have so much to do before he comes though. I hope time continues to fly and go very slowly at the same time. That way, I will be meeting my baby really soon but I will still have time to get everything done that I need to get done before December.

Not second prize to me

I know that I was disappointed when I first found out that the baby I am carrying is a boy. Wanted a girl - although, didn’t actually realise it until I was told for sure that I was having a boy. For two days a sulked about it. But, I am well over it now and I am excited about having another little boy. It will be wonderful for Cameron to have a brother. There will be a four-year age gap between them and the fact that they’ll both be the same gender somehow lessens this divide.

And, Cameron is so gorgeous! If his brother is as handsome, I will be known around town as the mom of “those two hot brothers”. We had a few of those boy-only families when I was growing up; those families of discerningly handsome sons. They were quite legendary some of them. They elicited an air of mystery. Countless girls used to obsessively ride their bikes passed their houses on the way home from school. We even had a pair of hotties that lived in our road.

So, although I get the occasional pang of desire to have a daughter to go shopping with and plan a wedding for, I am resolved that I am a boy mom. This is what God intended for us and I am happy about it.

I just wish everyone else would be too. Almost EVERY person I tell that I am having another boy is visibly disappointed for me. They dont even try to hide their own disappointment. Some have even gone as far as to say “oh shame”, some say “you’ve got your work cut out for you with two boys”, others keep asking if perhaps the doctor was wrong and that it could still be a girl and others say, “ag you’ll just have to try again” – like a girl is first prize and boy a consolation prize.

I know they probably don’t mean it and perhaps they are just saying these things because they expect me to be disappointed because they would be. But, it is starting to get up my nose. I would greatly appreciate some objectivity.

I have a son already and despite the normal challenges that come with raising any child – regardless of gender – he has been an absolute joy and pleasure. I wouldnt have him ANY OTHER WAY.

So, for me, and for Michael and for Cameron too, this little guy I am carrying is no second prize! He is first prize to us and we cant wait to get to know him.

I am the OROS lady

OK...now this weight gain issue is really starting to get me down. I got on the scale this morning and I am 2 kilos heavier than I was last Wednesday. How the f…k it happened I don’t know. Maybe its water retention – now that the weather is warming up. I do have a cankle (it’s my previously broken one though), so I do know that I am retaining water BUT STILL MAN!!!!

And the thing is I was actually feeling ok last week. I had only put on one kilo since my last antenatal check up the month before. Now this… and the injustice of it all is that I don’t even eat a lot. I am acutely aware of how the kilos can pack on in pregnancy. I was a house when I was pregnant with Cameron. I don’t want to be like that again and I have been extremely careful about what I eat. Yes a treat now and then but I am watching myself very carefully and I most certainly DO NOT east for two. And yet, here I am ballooning to epic proportions once again. I can just see that I am going to wack on in excess of 20 kilos just like last time.

It’s just so unfair. So many pregnant women I know just eat whatever they want – ice cream, cakes – you name it. And they put on ten kilos. I have already put on 12 and I still have three months to go.

Why does it always seem like I have to swim upstream? I try so hard and yet I put on the weight. Yes I know weight gain is inevitable in pregnancy and I am one of the unluckier ones. What I am most afraid of is that it won’t come off again when this is all over.

I feel like crawling into a hole.

Was it Friday the 13th by any chance?

This was my day yesterday...

06:30 – wake up with blocked nose and banging head ache (got flu again for the second time in three weeks)and get dressed.

07:30 – Give Cameron his breakfast – doesn’t want it in the bowl I have served it. Argument ensues and I switch off TV until he complies and eats out of the bowl I gave him

07:50 – On the way to school, Cameron moaning cos he doesn’t want to go today – says it is the weekend.

08:00 – arrive at school with radio on full blast (trying to drown sound of Cameron whining). I tell him to stop whining otherwise he cant watch Peter Pan tonight. Tells me he’s going to chop my arms off when he gets home. Get him in the school.

08:15 - Drive home already tired from altercations with Cameron.

12:30 – Go to pick up Cameron from school (no linga longa today for my sins). He wants to show me his tricks on the jungle gym and then on the trampoline. While I am watching him, he flies off the trampoline and lands on grass. Starts screaming – doesn’t usually do this when he hurts himself – usually to proud to make a scene. This time full performance. I realise something is wrong. Put him in the car – still crying. Ask him if he’s sore enough to go to the doctor – answer yes (now I really know something is wrong).

12:50 – Arrive at medicross. Wait for 40 mins to see doctor.

13:30 – See doctor – sends us for x-rays.

13:40 – in x-ray room, tell the woman I am pregnant. She tells me I cant go in with him. Cameron screaming cos doesn’t want to be held by her. Phone Michael come to the Medicross to go into the x-ray room with Cameron

14:15: Michael arrives at medicross. Tells me he’s parked next to my car and heard a hissing sound – discovered front right tyre is going flat fast.

14:30 – x-rays over and back in doctor’s room. Says no break but arm very swollen – a conocern. Suggests that there might be a green stick fracture that we cant see on x-ray. Advises that Cameron’s arm be put in a sling for a week. If not better in week, more x-rays.

14:45 - Michael goes to change tyre on car. Cameron and I go to casualty to get Cameron’s arm strapped up. Have to remove his jersey in this freezing weather otherwise wont be able to get it off later.

15:15 – get home from medicross and try to find clothes that will fit over the bandage. Only have two sleeveless vests and no jerseys big enough to fit over bandage. Reluctantly cut sleeve of one jersey and dress Cameron.

16:00 – Got to nearby shopping centre to buy some cheapie jerseys in a bigger size to fit over bandage. Reluctant to cuts sleeves off any other jerseys. Summer stock in. Could only find one. Will have to cut sleeves off his clothes after all.

If i didnt kow any better I would have thought it was friday the 13th

Marking Time

It’s almost been a week since my precious Gizzy left us. It hasn’t been the easiest week for me. Someone just needs to mention his name or I just need to see a photo of him and I start to cry.

After tomorrow, I will no longer be able to say that he was still here this time last week. I am getting further and further away from my baby dog. It is so unreal.

I found a website called Cybervets where you can post pet-related queries and a professional vet responds. So I wrote a long and detailed account of what had happened. See my mind was racing and running circles wondering whether there was more we could have done, whether the Dectomax (worm medicine) could have caused it and of course, whether I had made the right choice putting my beloved angel dog to sleep.

I received such a comprehensive, kind and compassionate response from the vet. He explained Yorkie Necrotising Encephalitis and Granulomatous Meningitis and their symptoms so thoroughly. He also explained that an abhorrent Spirocerca Lupi worm lodged in the spine or brain could also have caused Gizzy’s symptoms. He stressed that the Dectomax could not have caused his condition to slide as it did, which was a relief for me.

Whichever of the three possible diagnoses caused his demise I guess isn’t relevant since all of them – according to this vet – would have ended in a slow and painful death for my darling dog. He felt, like our vet felt, that putting Gizzy to sleep was all that was left to do. It was my final gift of love to my dog. This explanation and reassurance – for only R55 – has taken away some of the guilt I have been feeling and has given me a sense of relief that we did the right thing. This brings me some peace that is worth more that R1-million.

So here I am, marking time until the emptiness and huge sense of loss starts to dissipate. It just takes time I hear everyone say.

Gizzy, I will love you and miss you forever

My precious little dog, Gizzy, has been laid to rest. Saturday, 1 August was his last day. July was a long hard month for him too. I am heartbroken and I cannot stop crying. He was my precious baby dog. I cant sleep properly without him on my pillow. I used to roll over at night and feel for him. He was so soft and fluffy. He was always at my feet, followed me around like a little soldier. And that’s what he was right until the end.

Even on his last day, he tried not to show how horrible he felt and how un-coordinated he was. Like a little bambi, but instead of trying to walk on wobbly legs, he’d look up at me and beg me to pick him up, which of course I did. He spent almost the whole day of the last day of his life on my lap. He snuggled into me and I just held him and sat on the couch watching movies. Luckily it was a rainy day and we had no plans to go anywhere. I would never have forgiven myself if we had been out all day. I am so glad that I was there for him on his last day.

By the evening, he couldn’t really balance and had hardly eaten or drank anything the whole day. While he was sitting on my lap, he was making a laboured whimpering noise, which was exaggerated when I moved him. I don’t know if he was in pain but I think so. Then he wanted to go to Michael so I put him on Michael’s lap and I was in my office when he came in saying we needed to get Gizzy to the vet. He was whimpering quite loudly and he didn’t look good. When Michael put him on the floor because he thought he wanted to go outside for a wee, his little legs could hardly hold him up. They kept sliding apart.

So we rushed to the vet. It was just after 17:00. I had him wrapped in a towel. He was so small. He didn’t even try to move while we drove – usually he is all over the place in the car. I kept telling him that I love him very much.

When the vet saw his condition, she said it looked like his balance and coordination was off. The meningitis that he had was an inflammatory disease that affects the nervous system. Basically, his brain could not send messages to the rest of his body. He was uncoordinated and confused. His eyes looked lifeless. He just stared blandly in front of him. At the same time, it looked like he had had a fright. It broke my heart to see him like that.

She said that we had done everything that we could for him. He obviously had the type of meningitis that cannot be treated because even though he was on corticosteroids, his condition was deteriorating. There is no other treatment for the disease and he was on a heavy dose as it was. She advised that we put him to sleep.

Michael stayed with Cameron in the reception and I stayed with Gizzy. The vet took his tiny paw and administered the injection. I brushed his hair out of his eyes and told him I loved him. I kept my hand on his little body until she said he was gone. I didn’t even realise when he’d breathed his last. He still looked exactly the same. I put my face into his fluffy neck. I wanted to smell him one last time but my nose was so blocked from crying I couldn’t smell anything. I closed his eyes. She wrapped him in a blanket and that was it – all over.

My heart is broken into a million pieces. I loved that dog like I have NEVER loved another animal in my life. I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I am lost without him at my feet. I miss the way he used to dance in circles when I arrived home from being out somewhere. He was the most perfect yorkie I have ever seen. I cant stop crying. How will I ever get over this?